


Waiting for you

by Elfo98



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2016-01-06
Packaged: 2018-05-01 14:17:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5209010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfo98/pseuds/Elfo98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After their work in pairs in seventh grade, Jude is too shy to talk to Connor again, and the boy never makes another move on him. So time passes by and the brunette, who secretly has a crush on the baseball player, accepts the fact that they'll never be friends.<br/>When he moves to L.A. though, an unexpected encounter changes everything.</p><p> </p><p>-Incomplete</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jude was starting to think that exploring L.A. had been a bad idea.

He had moved there a day before and was staying in an hotel, because he didn’t have an house yet and he was searching for someone who wanted to share the apartment with him. To do so though, he needed to be brave and meet people. And to meet people, meant he had to walk around the city, which was the hardest part because, eventually, he found himself lost.

As always.

Getting lost was not thing new to him: when he was young he had to move from one city to another, one school to another, because he was in the fosters system, and he was used to being the new one. So, the fact that he was wondering completely alone in a city he didn’t actually know, didn’t really bother him.  What did, was the fact that he had no idea how to get back to the hotel without spending money for a taxi, which at that point was inevitable.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t notice the guy standing in the middle of the sidewalk and crashed onto him. He put his hands on the boy’s shoulders in automatic, not to let him fall, and he felt two strong hands on his hips in exchange.

-I’m so sorry! I wasn’t…- he started apologizing, but when he met the other’s eyes his heart did a double jump. They were hazel and warm, and  he felt himself lost into them. Because yes, Jude had a thing for boys, he had never been attracted to girls. –I-I wasn’t watching the street…-

A grin lighted the boy’s face, and oh god, Jude thought it was the best thing he had ever seen: -No problem, it was my fault, I was standing in the middle of the way blocking the passage.-

His voice was so gentle that Jude could melt if he had the chance to. But then he realized they were still holding each other and the distance between their faces was so small that he could feel his breath, and he started blushing letting him go.

On the other hand, the boy was not even embarrassed by that, actually he was slightly amused.

-I’m Connor, by the way- he just said.

-Jude.-

-Wait, you’re from San Diego, right?-

-Yeah, how do you…?-

-Oh my God! We were in the same science class in seventh grade, you’re the vice-principal son!-

Jude’s eyebrows furrowed, then realization struck him like a lightning bolt, and his eyes widened. –Connor Stevens? The baseball player?-

How could he not recognize him? He had been his first crush, with his hazel eyes, dark blond hair, his gentle smile…

But, unfortunately, as Jude remembered him, he was straight.

-It’s been a lot of time, isn’t it?- Connor asked in a low voice, biting his bottom lip, as if he regretted something.

-Since seventh grade? Yes, it is. I think I still got your PSP, you know? You never wanted it back- Jude couldn’t help but smile, because finally he was talking to the one he had always wished to be friends with, and he was happy because maybe, just maybe, he could be that now.

The boy’s eyes lit up, a big smile cracking on his mouth: -Really? I’m so happy you  kept it. I mean, I could have done a better job being your friend, but I guess I was too shy to talk to you again…-

-Wait, Connor Stevens too shy to talk to a little kid who was a lot smaller than him? I didn’t know I was that scary!-

-Oh, shut up. I don’t know, man…-

He looked like he did know, but Jude didn’t care, at least for now. So he just shrugged and let it go.

-So, do you know where we are? I kind of… got lost.-

-Then we’re on the same boat, because I have no idea of what place this is, neither- Connor answered blushing slightly in embarrassment, and Jude couldn’t help but think that he was really cute. –But I saw a Starbucks not too far from here. Do you want to have coffee and talk for a while? Then we can try to find the way home together.-

 -So we can get more lost?- they both laughed at his question, but the boy couldn’t find anything wrong with it, especially because he could know the other one better. –I like it. Let’s do it.-

 

\- - - - -

 

-How come you moved to L.A.?- Jude asked him as they finally got to Starbucks and sat at a table with a warm cup of cappuccino in their hands.

-I’m starting university soon-

-Really? I thought you wanted  to play baseball, with the Padres. Didn’t they give you a scholarship?-

Connor shifted uncomfortably in his place, trying not to make eye contact, and for a moment the brunette thought he got too far with that question, but eventually the boy answered: -I refused it, actually. It was my dad’s wish, not mine. I like baseball but, you know, I’d rather do something that I truly love.-

-What’s that?-

-Art- which really surprised Jude, who had never thought of Connor as an artist. He was starting to be very curious about the guy in front of him. –I love drawing, capturing things and colors and projecting them into the paper.-

-Poetic…-

The boy smiled and Connor finally lifted his gaze meeting Jude’s, making his heart skip. They just looked at each other for a moment that felt like hours, in a way that was making the brunette fall again for him. Damn Connor.

But eventually, they broke the contact, and Jude released a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

-What about you?-

Oh, yeah. They were talking about L.A.

-Um… well, same reason. But I’m gonna study creative writing.-

-I knew it!- people around them turned to watch them when Connor literally yelled it, but he looked like he didn’t even care, while Jude’s cheeks were instead pink for the embarrassment. - I’ve always thought you would be a perfect writer. I’ll be the first who’ll read your books, you bet it!-

-Actually my family comes…-

-Shush, these are just insignificant details- he blinked.

He was trying not to think that Connor had  put an “always” in his sentence, which had to mean something, but Jude wasn’t dying to know if the idea he had of it was right or wrong.

-I’ll let you know when I’ll publish one- he said then, smiling when he saw the satisfied expression on the boy’s face.

-What should we do now?- Connor asked, glancing outside the window.

They had finished their cappuccino, and it meant that soon they would have to say goodbye to each other. Jude was not really happy with that.

-Part of me wants to go outside to explore the city some more, but the other part says here’s safer and there’s no way I could get lost.-

Connor just let out a laugh and grabbed his hand to make him stand up, but didn’t let go of it after that: -Same here, but it’s better to get lost together than to get lost alone. Come on, Jude, let’s go on an adventure!-

He paid the coffees for the both of them, and when Jude tried to make him notice, he just answered: -I know. Now let’s go before I change my mind.-

He blinked again and he pulled his new friend out of the local with him, fingers still intertwined with his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I really hope you enjoyed the first chapter, hopefully I'll be updating soon. I just want you to know that I'm italian and I'm still improving, so if you found some mistakes, I'm sorry! Feel free to correct me, I'm opened to any kind of adivice, as long as it isn't impolite.


	2. Chapter 2

Jude was grateful to Connor for not paying attention to him, because he was pretty sure that his face was completely red. His eyes were on their hands, his mind trying to elaborate that thing, in vain.

But suddenly, the boy stopped, and Jude crashed, again, onto him.

-Sorry- he said, and realized that Connor was now looking at him with puppy eyes.

What the hell was wrong with that guy? How could he be that handsome?

 -What?-

-Can we go to the park? Please, Jude.-

The brunette raised his eyebrows in response, glancing over to the place the other was pointing at. It was a small garden full of trees, with some benches, two swings and a slide. It was almost empty because the kids were probably at school.

-Just for ten minutes…- Connor kept pleading, which was really not necessary. But instead of answering, Jude just looked again at their hands because the boy was tightening his. This time though, he noticed the action and quickly let go of it, blushing slightly.

-I…um…sorry.-

-It’s okay… it didn’t bother me.-

As he said it, he wanted to slap himself for lying and being that pathetic, but even though a big smile was drawn on Connor’s face, the boy didn’t try to take his hand again.

-Shall we go?- Jude asked then, -The last one who reaches the swings is a donkey!- and he started running towards them, ignoring Connor who was telling him that that was cheating.

He laughed, and when he finally arrived at the spot he sat on one swing waiting for the other, who was walking with his arms crossed on his chest. –I am not going to race. It wasn’t fair, you started before me!- he complained . –Besides, I’m getting too old to do this type of stuff.-

He shot Jude an amused glance and sat on the other swing.

-Dork.- was his response, which made him earn a glare.

They stayed silent for a while, just listening to the sound of the cars passing by, both of them trying to find something to talk about.

Connor was the one who spoke: -Where do you live?-

It made Jude remember the reason why he was out there, but he thought that it could wait.

-Um, in an hotel not too far from here… well, I hope it’s not.-

-Wait, you mean you don’t have an apartment?.

-I’m searching for someone who wants to share it with me.-

-Well I need a flatmate, actually… you can come stay with me, if you want.-

Jude’s head shot up and he looked at the boy, who was biting his lips.

Living with Connor could be dangerous, especially because he was sure he still had feelings for him and he didn’t want to let him know,  since he was straight and being friends would become weird.

But on the other hand, it was his chance to know him better.

-Um… can I think about it?- he asked.

Connor smiled again: -Sure.-

-Thanks…-

The boy nodded and got up, walking towards the slide. With an eyebrow raised, Jude followed him: -What are you doing?-

-What do you think?-

-You know you’re gonna get stuck in there, right?-

Connor blinked at him and kept climbing the stairs, until he reached the top: -Don’t be so negative.-

The brunette rolled his eyes and shook his head, ready to see the other begging for his help, but soon he realized that the boy was waiting for him: -Oh, you can go.-

Connor pushed himself down the slide and, as was to be expected, he got stuck in the middle of it. But instead of complaining, he just burst into laughter, infecting Jude who was about to say: “I told you”.

-See? This is all your fault, you called it!- the poor boy extended his arms, looking at him for help, and Jude couldn’t say no to his pleading face. So he grabbed his hands, trying to hold back the laughter, and started pulling him.

Unfortunately when Connor managed to get up, he lost the balance and made them both fall on the ground.

-Shit, sorry.- he was laughing, but Jude was too busy thinking about the distance between their faces to join him. His heart was bumping really fast in his chest, while he was staring at those eyes that were looking right back at him. He didn’t know what he could have done if Connor didn’t get up and help him do the same.

-We should get going…- he said, and without waiting for an answer, and started walking hoping the other was following him .

 

\- - - - - -

 

They walked silently side by side, Jude trying to elaborate what had just happened, Connor shooting worried glances at him.

They didn’t talk until the boy stopped again and told him to wait, leaving him outside a candy shop. Jude contemplated running away so nothing embarrassing could happen again, but he didn’t. He stayed there until his new friend came out with a little chocolate bear in his hand, and gave it to Jude.

-I must have done something that upset you, so…- he forced a smile. –Forgive me?-

The boy was shocked by his attitude, he didn’t want him to believe that it was his fault, which it was… but it wasn’t because it was Jude’s feelings’.

How messed up was it?

He sighed and split the bear into two pieces, giving one to Connor: -I forgive you. But you didn’t do anything.-

-You sure?-

-Yeah.-

Connor frowned, but didn’t reply. The silence fell again between them while they were eating their chocolate, until Jude saw a place who caught his interest. The sign on top of the door said: skating rink.

He turned to face the boy with a smirk, this was his time for puppy eyes.

-Please, Connor. Please!-

His friend rolled his eyes in return but agreed, and twenty minutes later they were inside the structure trying to skate without falling on the ice.

Jude was really bad at this, but he was having a great time with Connor by his side. Besides, he had fallen so many times that the boy had had to take his hand to help him, so their fingers were intertwined again.

And even after their time was over and they got out of the skating rink, two hours later, none of them wanted to let go.

Instead, Connor did something that took Jude by surprise: he turned to face him and hugged him, without a reason. Blushing, Jude placed his arms around the boy and the chin on his shoulder, inhaling his amazing scent. He didn’t want to think too much, he liked that proximity, and he didn’t want that moment to end.

-Thank you- Connor whispered.

-What for?-

-For spending the afternoon with me, it was nice to see you again.-

Jude was grateful he couldn’t see him blushing again.

-It was fun. But I should be the one who has to thank you, for standing me.-

-No joking, it was not that big of a deal-

Connor broke the hug and locked his eyes with Jude’s, grinning.

The boy was trying really hard to not pull him close and kiss him: he knew that they were about to part, and after that day he couldn’t just let him go.

In fact, Connor said: -I really need to head back home, now.-

Jude nodded, but just as the boy started to turn around to walk away, he stopped him: -Do you still want to share your apartment?-

And once again, a big smile lit up on Connor’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ!
> 
> Hey there!   
> First thing: I hope you're enjoying the story, and I didn't mess it up with the second chapter like I always do cwc   
> I'm just trying to put a lot of Fluff before the Angst, because there will be a lot.  
> Second thing: Someone (I don't remember your nickname, forgive me) suggested that I find a native English who wants to read the chapter and proof it before I post it, so there wouldn't be lots of mistakes.   
> If someone here wants to do that, please write it down in the comments. I would really appreciate it, and in exchange I will do my best to make the story more interesting.
> 
> And I also have to thank everyone who read these two chapters, I hope you'll keep following the story til the end! <3


	3. Chapter 3

 The next morning, Jude was on his way to his new house. He had followed Connor to see where it was the evening before, so he didn’t have to spare time trying to find it. 

He couldn’t believe that he was actually going to live with him. All those years spent watching him from the backgrounds, staring at his back in class, too shy to talk to him because he was popular and he had a lot of friends, while Jude only had Taylor and sometimes Daria.

Speaking of her, she had been Connor’s girlfriend for a while, and she used to talk about him every single time she was with the two of them. She even asked them if they wanted to go bowling as a group several times, but even if Taylor had tried to convince him, Jude had always declined the offer.

A lot of people thought that they were together, and for a little while they acted like they were, but eventually Jude had come out to the entire Anchor Beach, and after that Daria stopped nagging him. If she knew that the boy had a crush on her boyfriend, he never found out, because a few weeks later they broke up and the girl never spoke to Jude again.

-You mean you’re moving in with your historical crush? Oh god, I wish I was there- Taylor was still his best friend, even if she was in New York now. The boy had been too tired to call her the day before, so the moment he had gotten into his car that morning, he had took the phone and pressed her number. 

-What if I fuck everything up?-

-Jude Adams Foster!- She yelled, so much that Jude had to take the phone away from his ear. –This is your moment, dude. Don’t waste it.-

He sighed, and he could almost see Taylor rolling her eyes: -Tay, I know what you’re trying to do. But no, I won’t hit on him just because you think he’s gay. I mean, you don’t even know that.-

 -Please, Jude. As you described him and the way he was acting yesterday, he’s definitely gay- she answered. – Or bi.-

-Bye, Tay.-

-Fine! Ignore the evidence. But don’t come crying when you’ll realize that I was right-

-Are you done already?-

-Bye, Jude. Don’t be a stranger.-

-I won’t, I promise.-

-And let me know everyth…-

He hung up before she could end the sentence, although he couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across his face.

 

\- - - - - - -

 

Connor’s apartment was on the third floor of a small house, not so far from the college they were about to attend. He knocked on the door, waiting with a box full of stuff under his shoulder and a suitcase on the floor in front of him. It wasn’t much, but he didn’t need a lot.

When Connor opened the door, he immediately took the box to help him, his eyes wide: -You should have told me you were here!-

-It’s okay. It’s not that heavy.-

He followed him inside and into the living room, examining the ambient. It wasn’t that big, but it was perfect for two, maybe three. On the right there was a single door which probably led into the kitchen, and on the left, introduced by a pair of steps, there was the hallway with three rooms and a bathroom.

There wasn’t a lot of furniture, maybe due to the fact that Connor had just moved in there too. In fact, Jude could see a few boxes that were still closed.

Before he could comment, though, two strong arms found him and were hugging him tightly.

-I wasn’t sure you were still coming…- Connor said.

-Why’s that?-

Jude blushed at the thought of the boy worried that he wouldn’t show up, and the fact that they were holding each other like the evening before, both of them not wanting to let go, and that he could feel the blonde’s breath on his neck, didn’t exactly help.

-Maybe you changed your mind…-

-Well, I didn’t-

-You didn’t.- Connor nodded, repeating his words as if he wanted to make sure that they were real.

Jude thought it was kind of cute. He pulled away to look at him, with a smile. Their eyes met and he felt his heart skip a beat, but before he could do anything something rubbed against his legs. He looked down and he saw a white cat watching him with its blue eyes.

-Oh, right!- The boy exclaimed, picking up the little fur ball from the ground. –She’s Kissa. I hope you like cats… I forgot to ask you.-

The brunet reached out to pet her, smiling when she grabbed his hand with her tiny paws. –I’m more of a dog guy, but I like cats too. And she’s really cute.-

-Ohw, look at you two. She’s already in love with you- Connor laughed and started tickling Kissa’s stomach, but Jude wasn’t looking at her anymore. He was lost in the blonde’s smile.

The boy noticed and lift his gaze, furrowing his eyebrows. Then he probably realized something and put the cat down, hitting his own face with an hand: -I’m so sorry! How bad I am with this stuff. I’ll show you your room and the bathroom, so you can change and have a shower, and settle in.-

Jude stood there for a moment, watching his friend walking towards the hallway, thinking how close he had been from showing his feelings.

Seriously though, Connor was so fucking oblivious.

-You coming or you want to stay there for the rest of your life?- said boy had stopped and was now chuckling, waiting on the first step. Jude didn’t need to be asked twice.

 

\- - - - - -

 

After he’d showered and put on new clothes, he sat on the sofa near to Connor, who was watching a movie on TV. Jude recognized it immediately.

-You like Spider man?- he asked shyly, not wanting to annoy him.

But Connor smiled, turning to watch him: -I do. Especially The Amazing Spider man, Andrew Garfield is like… so cool, and he’s perfect as Peter Parker.-

-You know he’s not going to be in the third one?-

-Yeah, it’s so not fair…-

They ended up talking about movies and superheroes. They found out they had a lot in common, and Jude wondered why he’d been so afraid of talking to him before, because seriously, Connor was the friendliest person he’d ever met.

Then his eyes fell on a photograph that was placed on a shelf: he got up to see it better.

-You went to Italy?- He asked, recognizing the Coliseum. The photo showed Connor and probably his dad in front of the monument, smiling at the camera.

-Yup- Connor answered. –My dad brought me there after my graduation-

-Where’s your mom?-

-Um… my parents are divorced.-

Jude bit his bottom lip. He didn’t want to bother him.

-I’m sorry…-

Connor just shrugged and let out a small smile. –What about you? Have you ever been to Italy?-

-Nah… my family can’t afford that kind of vacation, and before the Adams Foster I was always moving around, so…-

-We’re going together then, you have to see it, at least Rome.-  

Jude’s eyes lit up and he looked at Connor, who was smiling so brightly that the boy wanted to hug him and… and…

And nothing. He couldn’t do anything.

-Really?- He said instead.

-Sure!-

Jude smiled, and from that moment he was sure that living with Connor would have been more fun that he’d expected.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for the waiting but school's literally killing me.   
> I don't like this chapter but I don't have the time to rewrite it, and I need to post something. I swear I'll do a better job with the next one.
> 
> P.S. I have a friend who lives in England who volunteered to read the chapters before I post them. But thanks to the one who wanted to help me out anyway. I really appreciated it.


	4. Chapter 4

Two days later Jude was making pancakes for the both of them. He’d learned that during vacation, Connor would sleep till noon and skip breakfast, but since that day was the first one of college, he needed to wake up.

The blonde walked into the kitchen with his eyes still half closed, which made Jude chuckle, and sat at the table putting his elbows on it.

-Don’t you dare fall asleep again, sleeping beauty-  he said, punching slightly the boy’s shoulder.

-I’m tired…- Connor mumbled in response.

Jude rolled his eyes and put a plate of pancakes in front of him, but seeing that his flatmate was still in the world of dreams, he crossed his arms and said again: -I’m not gonna talk to you for a week if you don’t eat them-

That was all Connor needed: he reached an hand out to grab the syrup, but soon he realized that Jude had been faster. What he saw, woke him up completely: -Dude, what the fuck? You’re drowning them!-

-Why’s everyone always shocked about this?-

The blonde took the bottle from his hands, earning a glare from the brunet: -I wasn’t done!-

-There won’t be any left for me if I let you finish-

Jude snorted and pulled out the tongue, but he couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

 

\- - - - - -

 

The college was huge, it took them almost half an hour to understand where their classes were. Unfortunately, they didn’t have one in common, so when the time came they said goodbye to each other:

-See you at lunch?- Connor asked, before Jude walked away.

-Sure.-

So there he was, alone in a class full of new faces, again. The bright side was that he wasn’t the only one who needed to introduce himself this time.

He watched everyone stand up and say something about themselves, without really paying attention until it was his turn: at that point, he told them his name, where he was from, and why he was there. He was quick, knowing that nobody would have been interested in him anyway.

That scene repeated twice in the next four hours, and without even notice it was already lunch time.

Connor was in front of his history class waiting for him.

They went to a little local and sat at a table, ordering two big sandwiches. Jude was so hungry that he could eat the whole plate in less than a minute, if he wanted too.

-How was your morning?- Connor asked  then, breaking the silence.

-Boring, we didn’t do anything, actually.-

-Yeah, mine too. Do you have class this afternoon?-

Jude shook his head, not able to answer since his mouth was full of food. He really needed to slow down with his sandwich.

-Wanna play a game? I downloaded Slenderman, but I don’t want to play it alone…- he rubbed an hand against his neck, his cheeks slightly red. It made the brunet chuckle and almost choke: -You’re scared.-

It was not a question, and from the look Connor gave him, he knew that he was right.

-Of course not! It’s just a game.-

 

\- - - - - -

 

Just a game, uh?

-You can keep your eyes open, you know? It’s not that scary.-

They’ve been playing for an hour, and Jude swore he’d never laughed that much. Every time Slenderman would appear, Connor would cover his face with the pillow.

-This is dumb- he complained, embracing it. –No one with a bit of good sense would go in a wood to find eight stupid pages, knowing that there’s that thing around… Jesus!-

Jude burst into laughter again, watching his friend jumping on the bed at the sight of the slenderman. He stopped the game because he really couldn’t breathe.

-This is not funny! How can you not be scared?- Connor tossed the pillow to him, not even slightly amused, which made Jude laugh more.

-You… should see… your face, right now-

-Oh yeah?-

And then the blonde was above him, pinning him down onto the bed, his face too close to Jude’s. But he didn’t have the chance to stop laughing, because Connor started tickling him. It was just a matter of seconds before the boy surrendered to him, begging him to stop, and at that point they were both breathless.

-Never mess with Connor Stevens-

-You should have told me sooner.- Jude said, still smiling while his eyes were locked with Connor’s.

It disappeared when he saw the boy leaning in, closer and closer…

And the phone ringed.

Connor pulled away and grabbed it, watching the screen as his face fell.

-Sorry, it’s my dad-

He left the room without another word, Jude still laying on the bed with his breath stuck in his throat.

 

\- - - - - -

 

They never talked about it. Jude was afraid that if he brought that up, Connor would deny it happened. So he just let it go, hoping for the boy to make another move on him.

But the rest of the week passed by like everything was fine, they would meet at lunch, do their homeworks together, watch movies at night, and Jude was okay with that as long as his friend was still by his side.

Things changed at monday: they were at the local and the atmosphere was quieter than the usual.

Finally, Connor spoke: -I think I’ll be back later, this afternoon. My art teacher gave us an assignment and a friend asked me if I wanted to do it with him.-

Jude tried to hold back the disappointment. He’d always known that Connor would have made friends before him, but now that he had one, he was a bit jealous because he couldn’t spend the whole time with him anymore.

-Okay- he shrugged, trying to seem emotionless. –I have to write something for creative writing so, I need to concentrate.-

-Are you not pissed?-

-Why should I? I’m happy that you found someone- he lied, not looking at him.

Connor’s sigh of relief hurt him, but still he tried to smile to show him that everything was fine.

And that conversation ended with that. They parted ways, Jude was left alone with his writing assignment and a bad feeling.

The next morning he drove to the college alone, since Connor had come back late at night and he was still asleep when Jude had woken up, which made him wonder what he’d done.

And as if that was not enough, he had to read his work in front of the whole class: thankfully it was not that terrible.

-It was really good- he heard someone saying, next to him. He turned his head to look at a girl with black long hair gathered in a braid, blue eyes and a piercing on an eyebrow.

A black tattoo on her neck was badly covered by the shirt.

-Thanks- he answered, trying to remember her name. He was sure she’d said it, once.

-I’m Rachel-

-Jude.-

-Like the Beatles?- She joked, but not with bad intentions. She seemed pretty gentle.

-You don’t look like someone who listens to the Beatles-

-Hey, don’t judge a person by her appearance.-

Jude smiled: -Sorry-

The hour finally ended and Jude pulled out his phone from the pocket of his jeans. He had a message from Connor, who was probably still at home.

 

_Can’t have lunch with you, today. See you later, I’m sorry._

He tried to ignore the pain in his chest and replied quickly.

 

_Don’t worry._

He bit his bottom lip, lifting his gaze to watch the girl putting her books in her bag, while an idea was forming in his head.

-Hey, do you want to eat something?-

 

\- - - - - -

 

-You come here frequently?- Rachel asked him when they sat at the table where he and Connor usually had lunch.

-Almost every day, with my flatmate-

-Where is he now?-

Jude shrugged: -Probably at home, trying to get some sleep.-

-You don’t seem very happy about that.- the girl said, biting her sandwich.

He didn’t want to talk about Connor, especially with someone he’d just met. Rachel remembered him about Taylor, except the fact that his best friend didn’t seem a rocker and didn’t have tattoos all over her body. In fact, now that they weren’t in class, the girl didn’t care showing them: there were several on her neck and on her collarbones, and three or four on her fingers. Her shoulder were covered but he was sure that under the shirt there were more.

-Why did you choose creative writing?- he couldn’t stop himself from asking.

-You’re still judging me by what you see- she giggled, lifting her gaze. –The same reason why you did, I guess. I love writing, getting lost into a million of words, spacing out for a while… those sandwiches are the end of the world by the way.-

-I know right?- he smiled. He liked her, maybe he’d just made a friend after all.

-You’re still looking at me as if I’m some kind of alien- she laughed and gave her phone to Jude, who furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. –Here, put your number in my phone. I’ll show you that I’m not that bad.-

When he was done, she tapped something on the screen and a second later Jude’s vibrated. He opened the message from the unknown number:

 

_Hey, Jude! :)_

He laughed and saved it, looking at the girl who was smiling at him.

 

\- - - - - -

 

Four hours later he was at home doing his homework, Connor was still in his room with the door shut. Jude thought he was still asleep, but when someone knocked on the door and the boy asked him if he could open, he wondered what he was doing in there.

And first of all, why was he avoiding him?

Frowning , he got up from his bed and reached the door, opening it to see a boy a few inches smaller than him, with red dyed hair and a pair of blue glasses on his nose.

His smile fade a bit when he saw Jude, but still he reached an hand out and the boy squeezed it.

-Hi, you must be Jude- his voice was soft, but the brunet could sense some sadness in it. He nodded. –I’m Kyleer. Connor’s boyfriend.-  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> This chapter is a little longer than the others, I hope it's not that bad.  
> And, I told you angst was coming!  
> I'm sorry, I'm the first one who doesn't like angst, but it has to be done. I will miss my babies too cwc


	5. Chapter 5

Jude stared at the boy expecting him to laugh or something like that, sure that it was just some kind of joke. It was only when Connor got out of his room and saw the expression of pure admiration on Kyleer’s face, that he realized that it was happening for real. He immediately felt like he was going to throw up.

He watched as Connor hugged his boyfriend the same way he was hugging _him_ the week before, and knew that he was about to have a break down.

-I… um…- he mumbled, his eyes now on the floor. –I’ll let you guys alone.-

He didn’t let them reply and stormed off the apartment, determined to put as much miles between him and Connor as he could.

How could it be possible?

When did they meet?

Did that mean that Connor was gay?

Taylor had told him it was going to happen, but he hadn’t listened to her. But even if he had listened to her, why would such an amazing, and handsome, and popular boy like Connor even think of liking someone as insignificant as him?

That made sense…

But then, Jude was hundred percent sure that Connor had tried to kiss him too. If he hadn’t imagined it, of course, which at that point was quite possible.

He suddenly felt his face wet. He was crying for Connor, again. After all those years he still hadn’t learned anything: he knew that eventually he would have had to move on, and that being obsessed with the boy with hazel eyes and dark blond hair would have caused much more pain. But there he was, hopelessly in love with him.

He pulled out his phone and, once he stopped sobbing, he tapped a number and pressed the call button:

-Hello?-

-Hey, Tay…-

There was a sigh on the other side of the line, and Jude knew she knew. She was his best friend after all.

-What happened?- she asked in fact, not waiting for him to tell her. –It’s about Connor, isn’t it?-

-I… I know you told me not to come crying, but…-

-Forget about that, I was kidding.-

He bit his bottom lip and nodded, but then remembered that she couldn’t see him: -Okay- he said, and told her everything.

It took all of his will not to burst into tears again, but eventually he made it through, and waited patiently for a response from Taylor.

-I don’t get it- she said. –Why would he almost kiss you and then go with someone else?-

-Because he doesn’t like me?-

-You don’t kiss someone you don’t like, Jude.-

-Maybe he’s changed his mind.-

She stayed silent for a while. Jude could hear her shaking her head in disbelief, and that worried him, because if Tay was in lack of words, then it was worse than he’d thought.

-So what are you going to do?- she asked.

-Nothing, I guess-

-You know you can’t just keep waiting for him forever, don’t you?-

He didn’t answer at that. Because if he did, he would have lied.

-Jude.-

-Tay…-

-You have to move on-

He’d seen that coming, but it hurt anyway. That was easy to say, but impossible for him to do. He couldn’t see himself with anyone but Connor, and he knew it was stupid and selfish, but he still had some hope left.

-I can’t guarantee it.-

-Al least try- she told him, not really happy. He could sense some anger in her voice, and immediately felt guilty because she’d been listening to his drama since seventh grade. She was right, it was time for him to get over it.

-Okay.-

-Call me if something happens.-

-Sure…-

-Bye, Jude.-

-Bye, Taylor.-

And then she hung up, leaving him alone again.

\- - - - - - - - -

The next morning he met Rachel at the local. They sat at the table and had lunch in complete silence. It was only when the girl finished her sandwich that she started talking:

-Okay, what’s wrong? Did someone cut your tongue or something?-

-I just don’t feel like talking, at the moment…- his voice was so low that he almost didn’t hear it himself.

-Why? What happened?- she asked. But he wasn’t looking at her anymore. He froze, watching as two boys made their way into the local and walked right towards them.

-Jude!- Connor exclaimed once he and his boyfriend were in front of their table.

-Hi, Con…- he couldn’t let himself to look at him, instead he glanced at Rachel, who probably saw the sadness in his eyes and frowned. –Connor, meet Rachel. Rachel, meet Connor, my flatmate. And he’s Kyleer.-

They shook their hands, but a moment later the blonde was looking at him again. He seemed upset.

-You didn’t come back, yesterday.-

-I did, but you were sleeping…-

With Kyleer, he thought, feeling his chest ache. He’d made sure that they were both asleep before coming home, the evening before, so he wouldn’t have had to explain why he’d run away. But seeing them on the couch together, Connor’s arm around the other’s shoulder, had hurt him more than anything else.

-You scared me, dude.-

-I’m sorry.-

Jude forced himself not to think that the boy had been worried about him, which meant that he’d also thought about him.

-This is our table, anyway.-

Kyleer.

The brunet glared at him, not sure if he’d heard right. –What?-

-You’re sitting at our table- the tone of his voice was so arrogant that Jude wanted to slap his cute and innocent face, and broke his glasses. 

He wasn’t serious, was he?

-I don’t see any name on it, do you, Rachel?-

She and Connor were watching them with eyes wide, probably sensing the tension, because his flatmate opened his mouth to say something. But Jude didn’t let him: -And if you really want to know, this is _our_ spot, actually.-

And with “our”, he didn’t mean his and Rachel’s.

He was looking at Connor, who understood and lowered his gaze, taking a step back.

-We’re done, anyway- he continued, getting up from his chair. –Have a good lunch. See you tomorrow, Rachel.-

And then he stormed off the local, without looking back.

\- - - - - - - 

The rest of the week went by with him trying to avoid Connor and Kyleer, who was practically living with them now.

Rachel tried to talk to him about what happened, but he was waiting to know if he could trust her before telling her.

Every morning he woke up an hour before the other two and went to college earlier, so he wouldn’t cross paths with them. And then he spent the whole afternoons in the library, studying, to take Connor out of his mind.

It was Thursday when it happened.

He came home at his usual time, when he was sure that the lovebirds were asleep, and went straight to his room, wishing only to have some rest.

But when he pressed the light button, he almost let out a scream: Connor was sitting on his bed, still wide awake, with his arms crossed.

-Well, well, look who’s here. Hi, stranger-

-Jesus! You scared the crap out of me!- he whispered, placing his bag on the floor. –Where’s Kyleer?-

Connor glanced at the door on the other side of the hallway. Jude closed his, sure that the boy was about to lecture him, and he didn’t want his boyfriend to hear it.

He sat on his bed, in front of him, eyes on his hands.

-So, you’re gay, uh?- he asked, shyly.

-Yeah.-

-How long?-

-Um… five years?-

Jude’s head shot up and his eyes widened. All those years and he didn’t even know that, how was it possible? –I thought you…-

-My dad’s not particularly cool with this kind of stuff, so I had to date girls to not let him know. It sucked…- he was biting his lip, gesture that Jude had always thought was really hot.

-Wow, okay…-

They stayed silent, the tension between them was so heavy that Jude felt like he was going to die.

But finally Connor decided  to speak again: -Is this the reason why you’re avoiding me?-

It took him by surprise, one more time.-I…-

-Because I’m gay? I thought you were too.-

-I’m not avoiding you.-

-Are you?- Connor’s eyebrows were furrowed now, but he wasn’t angry, just a bit confused. –Because you’re never here. I would like to spend some time with my best friend too, you know?-

Best friend. When did he become his best friend?

Now he was the one who was confused.

-It’s just that it seems like Kyleer’s moved in, and I don’t want to be the third wheel. That’s all.- he lied. Even if there was some truth in it.

Connor’s eyes widened in realization, and he took his hands: -You should have told me it makes you feel uncomfortable.-

Jude was feeling his cheeks warm, an knew that he’d blushed: -It’s not just that, I…-  he trailed off.

He couldn’t say it.He couldn’t.

-I can spend some time at Kyleer’s if it makes you feel better, just tell me… Oh, my God, I didn’t think about it. I’m so so…-

-I like you, Connor.- he blurted out, and regretted it almost immediately. The blonde had stopped talking and was watching him with his mouth still opened, clearly not expecting that to happen.

-What?-

Well, since he’d already screwed up, he didn’t have anything left to lose.

-I have a crush on you since seventh grade, but I thought you were straight, and I was too shy to talk to you. But then, that day, when we’re playing that game, you almost kissed me and I thought that maybe I had a chance with you…- he took a breath, not wanting to meet his gaze. –And when Kyleer came I was so jealous, and I didn’t want… I don’t want to stand around and watch you flirt and be happy. I’m sorry…-

He risked lifting his gaze, and saw sadness in Connor’s eyes, who was once again biting his lips.

-I shouldn’t have told you. Oh my God, I fucked up.-

But suddenly, the boy was hugging him tightly and placing a soft kiss on his cheek. Jude froze, not wanting to believe that things were changed. In fact, Connor said: -I’m glad you told me, I’m not mad at you. It just surprises me, because I thought… never mind. But Jude, I know this might sound bad, but even if I like Kyleer I care about you, and I don’t want you to be sad because of me. You have to move on, promise me.- His voice cracked at those words, his face now buried into Jude’s shoulder.

The boy felt the tears coming but hold them back.

-I will, I swear. I just don’t want our friendship to become weird…-

-It won’t. You’re my best friend.-

Jude nodded and finally hugged him back. Everything was okay, it was all that mattered.

It was fine.

-Con?-

-Yeah?-

-You love him?-

An instant of silence.

-Too soon to say that.-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I'm back with another chapter.  
> I think I'll be updating every saturday or sunday from now on, because it's the last month before Christmas, and I don't have time to write during the week since I have to study.  
> Anyway, thank you again for your support, you don't know how much it means to me to see that people actually like what I write, even if my english is not that good. You've been really kind to me.  
> I hope you still enjoy this story, I swear I will write something to explain Kyleer's situation, maybe in the next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

-I swear if you don’t talk to me I’m gonna eat your burger.-

Rachel watched as Jude took a bite of his lunch, but no answer came out of his mouth.

So she leaned in and stole it.

-What the…?- Jude complained, finally meeting her eyes.

-Are you even listening?-

-No… sorry, what was that?-

Rachel sighed: -You need to talk to me. I’m seriously worried about you, right now-

-Can I have my hamburger back?-

-No! Not until you tell me what the hell is going on.-

Jude had never seen his friend that angry before. Angry and upset, which wasn’t good for him.

-I don’t feel like it.-

-You never feel like it, Jude. You can trust me, you know?- her voice softened, but she didn’t stop staring at him expectantly, not even when she put his burger on his plate again.

He wasn’t hungry anymore, the memories of the night before were back and he felt like something was stuck in his stomach. He could still hear Connor telling him to move on.

He’d promised him. But how was he supposed to do that?

He heard a sound of exasperation coming from the other side of the table: Rachel was packing his things up and throwing her bag over her shoulder.

-You know what? Fine,- she said. –Keep your drama for you, but willing or not, you’re coming with me.-

He blinked, looking at her like she was mad: -We have class this afternoon.-

-Fuck that, you need to get some fresh air.-

 

\- - - - - - -

 

Apparently, getting fresh air meant going skating. First, they went to Rachel’s to grab the skateboard, and then to a skate park not too far from there.

The girl was really good at it, while Jude only managed to stay on the board without falling.

-How did you learn?- he asked when she finally stopped to drink some water, and sat beside him on the ramp.

-My brother taught me. He’s the one who made these.-  she showed him the back of the skateboard, where there were different graffiti and a few beautiful drawings. They were a little dark, most of them were skulls and monsters, and the colors were cold, mostly black and grey, but they were fascinating.

-He’s really good.- he said, even if they weren’t exactly his style.

-I know, right? He’s a senior, same school as ours. And he works in a tattoo shop…- she told him, while searching for something in her bag. –I think it’s a waste of talent, I mean, you saw what he can do… but apparently he likes his job, so who am I to stop him?-

-Just his sister.- Jude grined, it was small, but it was there.

-Yeah, well. He’s the older one.-

-What do your parents say?-

Rachel snorted: -My dad’s a drug addict, he left home when we were kids. And my mom doesn’t really care about us, she’s there, but it’s like we don’t even exist, you know? We had to grow up by ourselves.-

-I’m sorry… I know how it feels.- she rubbed her back, smiling softly. He told her about his childhood, how his mother died and how his father went to jail. He told her about his years in the foster system, until two women finally adopted him giving him the life he’d always wanted.

It surprised him that, even if he was happy now and so many years had passed, it still hurt to talk about it.  

-Life sucks, huh?- she said after he was done.

-Indeed…-

They sat in silence, just looking at each other, maybe to reassure the other. Then Rachel handed out a marker to him.

-Can you write something on my board? The first thing that comes to your mind.-

Narrowing his eyes, he watched once again the drawings, thinking of a little quote and spotting a blank place where to place it.

He came up with one and smirked, writing:

_Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win._

-Stephen King?- Rachel asked and giggled. –Cool.-

Jude chuckled too, feeling a little better than the hour before. Rachel wasn’t really bad after all, she was weird, a little dark, but he felt safe with her.

She was the closest thing of a best friend he had there, aside of Connor. So maybe, just maybe, he could trust her.

-I told my roommate that I like him…- he blurted out, his gaze locked on his lap.

He heard the sharp inhale of breath and felt the girl’s eyes on him. She wasn’t expecting it.

-And what did he say?-

-Well… he has boyfriend. He told me to move on.-

-Was he mad?-

-No…-

-Then what’s wrong?-

He took a deep breath, his heart was hammering against his chest: -I can’t. I can’t move on.-

Rachel’s eyebrows furrowed: -Why not?-

-It’s not that simple… I’ve had  a huge crush on him since the day I met him. Five years ago.-

Bringing that up again was a bad idea. He felt anxiety raising up like an old friend.

-I… I can’t think of anybody else, Rachel.-

-I see.- she bit her lips, looking at him sympathetically. –My brother throws a party this Friday. Come.-

-I don’t really like parties…-

-You need to have some fun, just for once, Jude. Please…- she looked at him with doe eyes, and he couldn’t just say no to them.

-Fine…-

-Great! Thanks. – she gave him a peck on his cheek and jumped off the ramp to start skating again.

Something was bothering the boy though.

-You didn’t say anything about me being gay.- he stated, realizing it just now.

Rachel giggled. –Why should I? My brother is.-

 

\- - - - - -

 

 Jude was terribly upset about this party.

First, he didn’t know what he was supposed to wear.

Second, he didn’t really like to drink.

And third, dancing was not one of his qualities.

But Rachel was right, he really needed to think about something else other than Connor.

So he put on the first thing that he found and, after he’d watched the clock to make sure he wasn’t late, he grabbed the keys of his car and exited his bedroom, heading to the main door.

-Jude?-

Damn. Connor.

The brunet turned to see him, his eyebrows were furrowed in confusion. Beside him there was that slinthead (Slinthead? Really? He needed to stop reading The Maze Runner)* named Kyleer. He tried to grin.

-Where are you going?-

-To a party, with Rachel.-

-Oh… okay, you want me to come?-

Kyleer shot him a glare that could have scared everyone, but Connor wasn’t really paying attention.

 Jude saw it, though. –No, it’s fine.-

Even if the blond didn’t seem that convinced, he nodded: -Call me if you need help, alright?-

-Sure.-

And then Jude was out of the house. Away from the both of them.

He drove to Rachel’s where she greeted him.

She was wearing a short black dress that didn’t hide any of her tattoos. Her shoulders were covered by them, mostly by skulls and roses. It remembered him of the skateboard, maybe his brother was the one who did them too.

The party had already started, but the girl wasn’t drunk yet. She told him she was waiting for him.

-Isn’t your mother at home?- he asked, shouting because of the loud music.

-What? No, we moved here after my brother’s graduation.-

She handed him a cup full of punch, which Jude tried to refuse, but eventually gave up.

He needed to forget about the past weeks and have fun.

-Wanna dance?- Rachel said, pointing at the little bunch of people who weren’t making out, or drinking like it was their main goal in life.

-No thanks. I think I’ll stay here.-

-Okay, but find someone to talk to. Don’t stay here alone, alright?-

And before he could reply, she was gone.

Jude watched her dance with a little smirk on his face, but despite what she said he stood there without talking to anyone. And he didn’t really want to get drunk, because later he’d have had to drive home and, besides, he hated the hangovers.

-Having fun?- someone whispered in his ear, making him jump and almost drop the cup.

-Sorry- the boy chuckled. He had black hair, blue eyes, a piercing on his left eyebrow, and different earrings on both the ears. He was wearing tight, black jeans, a white t-shirt and black jacket. But even if he was like a punk, his smile was soft and he seemed kind. Jude found him a bit attractive, in a different way from Connor.

-I’m Caleb- he reached out an hand and the brunet shook it.

-Jude.-

-I know, I’ve been watching you lately. – he grinned. –You’re a freshman, you study creative writing, and you have lunch at Barry’s three times a week.-

Jude almost choke with the beer, he was suddenly afraid of that guy.-More like stalking me…-

-Nope, just watching over my little sis-

The boy laughed, and the brunet realized that the both of them had a lot in common.

And not just their appearance. They had the same look.

-So, having fun or not?- Caleb asked again, taking a sip of his punch.

-Not really…-

-Oh God, Rachel forced you to come, didn’t she?-

-Sort of.-

Jude couldn’t help but chuckle when the boy slapped his face with an hand, his cheeks slightly red. –I’m sorry for that… she tends to be a little convincing sometimes. You can leave whenever you want if you feel uncomfortable.-

He shrugged, he didn’t want to, he’d promised Rachel that he would have stayed at least until midnight, even if he knew it was a bad idea for him.

-It’s fine- he said, biting his bottom lip. –I saw your drawings on Rachel’s skate. They’re beautiful.-

Caleb’s face lit up and he turned to look at him with a huge grin. –You did? Thanks! I mean, I did them four years ago, but still… it’s good to know that people like them. They’re a bit dark.-

-I noticed- Jude nodded with a smile, and right in that moment he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket.

Pulling it out, he saw four texts from Connor.

His eyebrows furrowed when he opened the chat.

_[22:10] Con: Hey, Jude…_

_[22:10] Con: Sorry to bother you, but something happened._

_[22:11]Con: I don’t feel really well._

_[22:11] Con: Shit, I’m sorry .Can you come home?_  

He quickly typed the answer, trying not to tremble too much.

_[22:12]Jude: I’m on my way._

He looked over at Caleb who was watching him with a worried expression, probably sensing that something was wrong.

-I have to go… thanks for the chat.- Jude forced a smile and started to walk away, when the boy took his arm and pulled him back. He had a marker in his hand and, after lifting the sleeves of Jude’s shirt, he wrote a number on his skin.

-Here, call me when you need some company- Caleb said, smiling softly at him.

It took a few seconds for Jude to elaborate what was happening, but then he remembered Connor and nodded quickly. –Tell Rachel I had something really important to do.-

 

\- - - - - -

 

The way home seemed a lot longer than it really was. But when he finally reached it, he hurried up the stairs and quickly opened the door, just to find a sad and probably drunk Connor sat on the couch.

-Oh my God, Con…- he knelt in front of him, taking the bottle of beer from him. The blond looked at him like he was some kind of angel, his eyes lit up and his arms came to embrace him.

-What happened?- Jude asked, softly.

Connor didn’t answer right away.

-Do you think I’m perfect?- He said then.

-Nobody’s perfect, Con…-

He heard a sigh: -See? I’m not. But to Kyleer I am. Did I even tell you how I met him? I don’t think so…-

Jude felt anger explode inside him like a bomb. That piece of… there wasn’t a word to describe him. He’d hurt Connor, he’d hurt the love of his life. –How did you meet?- he tried to stay calm.

-We started talking in class, during an assignment. Then we met for that thing, the one I told you when we’re having lunch, you know? He told me he liked me, and kissed me. But I didn’t like him back, so I just thought… that maybe I could just tell him. But then I saw them, I saw the cuts. They were all over his arms, and I…I was shocked. I realized that he needed someone who made him happy, and said person was me. I couldn’t leave him. I made him promise not to do that again, and he did, but during these weeks I felt like he was expecting so much from me: I was the one who had to keep him from cutting again, the perfect one, with no flaws. This isn’t me, Jude…- Connor sobbed, burying his face into Jude's shoulder. –And then tonight I saw fresh cuts on his wrists and freaked out. He told me that I didn’t understand how he felt, and that it was all my fault, before storming out of here. What if he’s hurting himself again?-

-Jesus, Con…-

The blond was shaking so much that Jude had to hold him tight to make him stop. He hated hearing him crying.

-What should I do, Jude? He doesn’t answer my texts.- he whispered.

-You should go to bed, sleep on it. You can’t do anything in your actual conditions. Then we can figure it out tomorrow morning, alright?-

Connor nodded, so Jude helped him to stand up and reach his bedroom. The boy lay down on his bed, wiping the tears away from his cheeks.

-Goodnight, Con.-

-Jude…-

Once again, the brunet was held back from going away. –Wait, what’s that?-

Connor was watching his arm, still exposed, and the number wrote on it. –You meet someone?-

He frowned. Jude swore there was something weird in his voice.

-Y-Yeah… sort of.- he blushed.

-Okay…-

He drop his hand and shifted in his bed.

Sighing, the brunet started to walk out of the room and switched off the light.

-Jude?- Connor called him again.

-What, Con?-

-Don’t call him, please.- it was just a whisper, but Jude heard it and froze, watching the silhouette of his friend.

What’s that supposed to mean?

-You’re drunk.- he stated, his voice a little shaky.

A chuckle. –Not that much. I mean it, don’t… I…- he trailed off.

Jude stopped breathing: -You what?-

But Connor didn’t answer, and a few seconds later, the boy knew he’d fallen asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sorry about that, it's a little pathetic but I couldn't help it. I'm addicted to those books xD
> 
> So, I hate this chapter so much. I've been sick all week, I still am, but I didn't want to let you guys wait, so I spent ten hours just to write this yesterday. If it doesn't make sense, forgive me.  
> I still have two days off from school, so maybe there will be an update tomorrow or on tuesday.  
> And guys, I know this story is a bit depressing, I don't force you to keep reading it if you don't like, but you need to trust me. I know what I'm doing.


	7. Chapter 7

Jude closed the door as quietly as possible, then entered his room and jumped on the bed. Why did it have to be so messed up?

Why didn’t he kiss Connor when he had the chance to?

He could have spared himself all this suffering.

Seeing his friend in that situation had hurt him more than knowing he had a boyfriend. Because seeing Connor that wrecked was one of the things he couldn’t stand.

He wondered if there was something he could do to make him feel better: at first he thought about going to check for Kyleer himself, but then he realized he didn’t know his address, or if he lived in a dorm instead.

So he just pulled out his phone and unlocked it. There were a few texts from Rachel, who was freaking out:

_[22:38] Rachel: Jude, where are you?_

_[22:39] Rachel: You okay?_

_[22: 43] Rachel: Please, be okay._

_[22:55] Rachel: Omg, Jude. Tell me you didn’t have a car accident or something._

_[22:55] Rachel: You’re not drunk, were you?_

_[23:10] Rachel: Dude, I’m worried, please answer._

_[23:23] Rachel: ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE._

_[23:25] Jude: Sorry, didn’t hear it buzzing._

_[23:25] Rachel: THANK GOD! Don’t you dare do it again, you scared the hell out of me._

_[23:25] Rachel: What happened?_

He felt a little guilty for making her worry like that, but he couldn’t help but smile slightly, knowing that she cared about him.

_[23:26] Jude: Connor and Kyleer had a fight. He was drinking when I came back._

_[23:28] Rachel: Is he okay?_

_[23:28] Jude: Not really._

He waited for the answer, but seeing that it was taking her a while, he spent it saving Caleb’s number. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do with it, maybe he could just call him and hang out with him as a friend, not necessarily as something more, right?

Why was he even thinking about that possibility?

It’s not that he liked Caleb.

There’s still wasn’t any answer from his friend, so he got up and changed into his pajamas.

_[23:40] Rachel: I seriously don’t understand how you do that._

Jude’s eyebrows furrowed.

_[23:41] Jude: Do what?_

_[23:42] Rachel: Standing around Connor without freaking out. Isn’t it frustrating?_

_[23:42] Jude: It is._

_[23:43]Rachel: Then why do you keep hurting?_

Jude stared at the text, trying to come up with a coherent answer. But there was just one thing he could think of.

_[23:47] Jude: Because I love him._

He could almost see her sighing.

_[23:50] Rachel: I have to go. Cal needs me with some stuff. We’ll talk about it on Monday, okay? ‘Night, Jude._

_[23:51] Jude: Goodnight, Rachel._

He tossed his phone on the mattress and exited the room to go check for Connor. He was still sleeping peacefully, as if nothing wrong had happened. Biting his bottom lip, Jude got close to him and sat beside him as carefully as he could, not to wake him up. He watched his face completely relaxed, thinking how cute he was, and without even noticing, he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

Jude wished he could do that when he was awake too.

 

\- - - - - - - -

 

-You look like shit.-

-Jeez, thanks- Connor snorted, holding his head in his hands.

Jude handed him a Tylenol for the headache and sat in front of him at the table.

-How are you feeling?- he asked, his voice soft and gentle.

-Bad- the blond looked up at him. –I can’t stop thinking about yesterday.-

-He still doesn’t answer?-

Connor shook his head, regretting it when he felt the pain again: -No, I tried to call him, but it goes straight to voicemail. I also tried to call some of our classmates to know if they’d seen him in their dorm, but…- His eyes were now wide, worry clear on his face: -If something happened to him, it would be all my fault.-

Jude was trying really hard not to let him show his feelings: he was angry at Kyleer for hurting Connor; he was angry at himself because he couldn’t do anything about it, and his heart was sinking at the sight of his friend in those conditions.

-I’m sure he’s okay. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything.-

It was just bullshit, Jude knew it. He wasn’t sure if the boy was fine, after Connor had told him what he was capable of, but he was hundred percent sure that it was not Connor’s fault.

-What will you tell him, if he answers? You think he will break up with you?-

-No, I told you. He needs me. If I leave him, it’ll only be worse…-

Of course. If Jude had some hope left, it was wiped away by those words.

-Then he will call you, you just have to wait.- he reassured, forcing a smile.

The blond’s eyes met his. It was like time had stopped just for a moment.

It was like everything had gone back to normal, when they’d just found out they were going to attend the same college.

-Why are you doing this?- Connor asked suddenly. –I broke your heart. I’m _still_ breaking your heart. And you’re helping me with my drama nevertheless. Why?-

Jude reached out for his hands, holding them tightly. And in that exact moment, I knew what he had to do, even if it would have hurt. All he wanted, was to see Connor happy again. –I told you. I don’t want to lose you.-

But just this once, he wanted to be selfish.

He leaned over the table and placed his lips on Connor’s before he could hold back. He felt him froze, and even if he wanted that moment to last forever, even if it was all he’d ever wished for, he pulled back almost immediately. The warmth of his lips left him, he hold back the tears.

He didn’t want to know if Connor would have rejected him again.

Without a word or a glance, Jude stood up and reached the front door, leaving him there alone.

 

\- - - - - - -

 

He knocked on the door in front of him. Finding the room hadn’t been a big deal, the name Kyleer wasn’t really common.

He was about to give up, surrendering to the fact that maybe something had really happened to the boy, when the door opened.

-Jude?- his voice was emotionless.

-We need to talk-

Kyleer’s expression changed then, it hardened, and the boy started closing the door: -No, thanks.-

Jude grit his teeth and stopped him, pushing it opened again.

-I don’t like you, let’s be honest. I never did. And I don’t know what happened between you and Connor,- he lied. –But if you think that I’ll stay there watching my best friend blaming himself and being depressed because of you, you’re wrong. So, if you really care about him, stop ignoring his texts and call him. Be a fucking man.-

He turned his back to him, but before he could walk away, Kyleer spoke: -I know you like him.-

-Then you should also know that I’m making you a favor.-

And with that, he kept walking without looking back.

Once outside the building, he took his phone and searched for a number, pressing the call button.

A female voice answered:

-Hello?-

-H-Hey, it’s Jude-

-Jude? Why do you have my brother’s number?-

The brunet sighed: -He gave it to me.-

He could almost see the girl blink in disbelief: -Oh… Oh! Cal, get your ass here!- she shouted, and Jude had to take his phone away from his ear.

He heard the sound of hurried footsteps and then a male voice: -How many times do I have to tell you not to answer   _my_ calls!?-

-It’s Jude.- she just said, sounding a little amused.

-Oh. Hey, Jude. That was quick.- he greeted him once he’d gotten the phone.

-Hi, Caleb. Yeah, do you want to hang out?-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST IS OVER. I promise!   
> I will update again tomorrow, then I'm afraid you will have to wait until saturday.   
> But we're almost there, no more pain for my boys, just a bit at the beginning of the next chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

Everything was doing fine.

Connor and Kyleer were back together, and Jude was okay with that as long as his best friend was smiling again. Both of them never brought up the kiss again, not to make things weird.

That, until he found out about Caleb.

It’s not that he didn’t know Jude was hanging out with him, _as a friend._

He was completely aware of that.

It all went to shit when he walked into Jude’s room and saw them kissing.

Now, the brunet would have been lying if he said that he didn’t like Caleb: he was sweet, funny, caring, a little weird, but still nice. He was secretly hoping something like that would have happened, because even if he wasn’t over Connor yet, Rachel and Taylor were right when they said it was time for him to move on. Or at least to try to. So when the boy kissed him, Jude was ready to accept that relationship and dive into it. What had taken him by surprise, was Connor’s reaction.

He’d run into his room shutting the door so hard that the floor had trembled, not to mention the fact that it scared them to hell.

And later, when Caleb had finally left, Jude had found him curled up under the covers.

-I think I’m going to move in with Kyleer for a while.- Connor had said, his voice cold and distant. It had shocked Jude.

-What?-

-He doesn’t have a roommate, so he asked me if I want to share it with him until we find an apartment-

Jude eyebrows had furrowed: -Wait, you’re planning on renting an apartment? What about this one?- he’d gotten close to him. –What about _me_?-

Connor hadn’t even looked at him.

-I’m leaving it to you, you can do whatever you want.-

The perspective of living alone, not having his best friend around, had scared him, and had made him realize that Connor was really leaving him.

-But… we can stay in touch, right?- He was aware of how pathetic his voice had sounded.

-Yeah, sure.-

But although Jude had tried to call him, to speak to him in the halls of the College when they casually met, Connor had kept avoiding him.

Months passed by.

He didn’t feel happy anymore, even if Caleb was still there, first as boyfriend, then as friend. It didn’t work out between the two of them because Jude was always thinking about Connor, and eventually they decided that it was better for the both of them to stop their relationship, since it was one-sided.

Jude never meant to hurt Caleb.

He never meant to hurt Connor either.

And now he’d lost him for good.

-Earth to Jude- Rachel was watching him expectantly. They were at the skating park, but  it was too cold to skate, so they were just sitting on the ramp and talking. Jude wasn’t really paying attention though.

-You weren’t listening, were you?- she rolled her eyes, friendly smacking the back of his head with an hand. –I asked you what are your plans for Christmas.-

-Oh…um…- he rubbed his neck in embarrassment. –I’m going back to San Diego for a couple of weeks, to celebrate the holydays with my family. What about you?-

-We’ll probably spend Christmas day watching Christmas movies on Netflix.-

-Drinking till we can’t anymore.- Caleb added with a chuckle.

-I just remembered,- Rachel said covering her forehead with her hand.–We bought you a present, but I don’t have it here right now.-

-What? But I didn’t buy you anything.- he complained.

-Jeez, you didn’t think about your friends? That’s not really nice of you, you know?- Caleb joked, making his sister giggle, even if Jude wasn’t amused. He’d completely forgotten about their presents. –I’ll bring you something from San Diego, okay?-

-Chill out, you don’t have to.- Rachel replied with a warm smile.

-We just wanted to give you something because you’re part of our family now. You got a lot in your mind lately, it’s okay if you didn’t think about it.- Caleb wrapped an arm around his shoulders, tightening him in a hug.

The brunet couldn’t stop a grin from spreading on his face. What did he do to deserve two amazing friends like them?

-Thanks, you guys are the best.-

-Of course we are!- the girl winked. –Group hug.- And then she was hugging the both of them, and they all burst into laughter when they almost lost the balance.

Jude wanted every day to be that happy.

 

\- - - - - - - -

 

He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed his family until he’d finally entered the front door.

Mariana was the first who greeted him, squeezing him in a tight hug and almost choking him.

-My Judicorn! Oh my goodness, will you ever stop growing?-

-I highly doubt it- Stef said, placing her hands on Jude’s cheeks. –How was the drive, love?-

-Exhausting and boring- he answered, giving her a small smile. –I think I’m gonna take a shower  and rest for a while.-

-Sure, come down when you feel better.-

Once upstairs, he took a quick shower to wipe away the tiredness, and then crashed on his bed burying his face into the pillow.

He wondered if Connor was in San Diego too.

He really needed to stop thinking about him.

He should have called Taylor.

To ask her how the flight was.

He ended up sleeping instead.

 

\- - - - - - -

 

Christmas was his favorite day of the year, aside of his birthday. They would sit at the table and eat, and laugh together and share their presents, and it all would feel right.

Like that was all they needed.

And it really was all Jude needed.

He’d grown to love the chaos, the constant bickering between Mariana and Jesus, Stef’s mother loud voice, Brandon’s frustrating noises when AJ said something wrong…

Everything seemed fine when he was with them. They had the power to make him forget all of his concerns.

And that’s exactly how a week passed.

It was now the last day of the year and they’d planned to go to the beach where there would have been a bonfire and fireworks, with Someone’s little sister playing.

But first, Jude needed to do something: he was well aware that a lot of people would have been there, Taylor was coming too, and it could also mean that Connor could have.

So he pushed the door of his sisters’ room opened and entered it, seeing Mariana seated on her bed doing her nails, as was to be expected. He approached her biting his bottom lip: such a long time had passed since the last time.

-Hey- he greeted, sitting beside her. –Red?-

-Like the fire. You here because you want me to do yours?- she asked.

How well did she know him.

-Yeah,- he crossed his legs, gaze on his lap. –I could do it by myself, but you know how bad I am with the left hand.-

She giggled, blowing on her nails to dry the nail polish: -I do. You always mess up with that. Why do you need it though? Isn’t it your “war paint”?- she mimicked the inverted commas with her fingers.

He should have known that his sister would have asked something like that.

Jude sighed: -The guy I was sharing the apartment with, the one I told you about… it’s Connor. But something happened and now we’re not exactly in good terms. He doesn’t talk to me, and I’m afraid that I will freak out if I see him at the bonfire.-

She glanced at him with a worried expression, then she took the blue nail polish from her bedside table and asked for his hands.

-You know, I’ve never seen someone as stubborn as you. I remember the way you used to speak about him, your eyes would literally light up, and you didn’t even know him. I have no idea what happened between the two of you, but you really want to let him go now that you got him?- she looked up to him with a soft smile. –Jude, a feeling like yours doesn’t happen twice in a lifetime, he’s the one for you and you know it. If he hurts you again, I’ll kick his ass, but you need to go for it.-

-It’s not that simple, Mari.- he dropped his gaze, feeling his chest hurt again.

-He’s your soulmate, Jude. Trust me.-

He did.

He trusted her.

He just didn’t trust himself.

 

\- - - - - - - -

 

-There you are! It’s nice to see you again, Drama Queen.- Taylor hugged him tightly and laughed at her own joke.

God, Jude had missed her so much.

-Hey it’s not my fault if you always want to talk about my problems.- he replied, faking an annoyed expression.

-That’s because I care about you.-

-I know.-

She smiled and grabbed his hand, and they approached the bonfire together after he’d promised his moms to be careful.

Being with his best friend again felt like nothing had changed at all.

They talked about College, their grades, Taylor’s temporary job as waitress, and time flew by.

Jude’s smile disappeared when he saw him.

Connor was a few steps away, and was looking right back at him.

The brunet was surprised to see nothing else but sadness in his eyes, and that maybe was the thing that gave him the strength to speak: -Hey…-

A corner of the boy’s mouth lifted up, it was just a matter of seconds, but it was enough to make everything around them stop. –Jude.-

Glancing over at Taylor, who watched them suspiciously before nodding, he approached Connor. His hands were shaking.

-Are you going to run away again?- he asked once he was a few inches away from him.

-No…- the blond’ dropped his gaze.

Jude wasn’t even mad at him.

He should have.

He couldn’t.

-How’s Kyleer?-

-As usual…- Connor bit his lips, still not meeting his eyes. –How’s Caleb?-

 -We broke up.-

-What? Why?-

Jude shrugged: -It didn’t work. But we’re still good friends.-

The boy opened his mouth to talk, but closed it right away, maybe struggling with something.

The tension between them could be felt from miles away, Jude was starting to lose his strength. He rubbed the back of his head ready to turn his back to Connor, when the blond took his arm.

-Is this…?- he watched the nail polish and then Jude’s completely red face. And in that moment, he gave him that soft smile the brunet had fallen for. –I remember that time you showed up at school wearing it. I also remember thinking that no one would have had the courage to do that, it made you seem a little less fragile. I admired you.-

-And then the next day you showed up with it too.- Jude added, with a chuckle.

-I’ve been such a douchebag lately…-his voice was so low that Jude almost didn’t hear his words.

-Yeah.-

-Will you ever forgive me?-

Sighing, he forced a small smile: -That’s the thing, Con. I’m not mad at you.-

Connor frowned, he was about to reply but was interrupted by the sound of a firework, followed by another one.

They hadn’t even heard the people doing the countdown, cheering when it was finally over.

It was the beginning of a new year, and Jude was happy to initiate it knowing that he and Connor were okay again. Everything was fine.

No more hurting.

They watched the fireworks bursting up above them, and he couldn’t help a grin from drawing on his face when he felt Connor’s hand slipping into his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I told you angst was over.  
> I wanted to write about Jude's Christmas with his family, but then I realized I had no ideas.  
> I literally spent three hours on the same paragraph trying to put something more in it.   
> I don't know when I will be able to update, probably on sunday.


	9. Chapter 9

He didn’t see Connor for the rest of the holydays, but the memory of that simple touch was still impressed in his mind. Jude wasn’t sure if things between the two of them were back to normal, but he knew that he was still madly in love with him, no matter how hard he’d tried to move on.

He was willing to wait for him forever if it was necessary.

Even so, when Jude drove back to L.A. and school started again, he couldn’t help feeling a bit anxious about seeing the boy and, first of all, Kyleer.

He thought about texting Connor with the intention of asking him to go to the movies, or just jog together, but when he opened the chat he stared at the texts he’d sent him two months before.

_[2.11/ 16:25] Jude: Dude, can we talk?_

_[2.11/16:35] Jude: Why are you avoiding me?_

_[2.11/16:40] Jude: Did I do something?_

_[3.11/08:10] Jude: Please, answer…_

_[4.11/10:15] Jude: It would help if you just told me what’s wrong instead of running away from me._

_[15.11/15:50] Jude: I miss you, Con…_  

He bit his lip, realizing how desperate he’d sounded. Connor had apologized, yes, but what if he didn’t mean any of it?

Jude’s eyes scanned the last text, a bit longer than the others.

_[17.11/22:50] Jude: Today’s my birthday. It’s probably the best day I’ve spent here so far. And you know what would make it even better? You._

_It’s cheesy, I know. But your my best friend, and I miss you. A lot._

_Rachel’s looking at me with that concerned and at the same time annoyed look she always has, she’s probably gonna take my phone away at some point._

_I really wish you were here._

After that, he’d never texted Connor again. And he was not going to do that now either.

He got off the car and went to class instead.

\- - - - - -

That day wasn’t different from the others: hours went by with their normal slowness, teacher were as boring as hell, and Jude almost fell asleep on his desk during history.

It all  changed when he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket.

He waited till the teacher turned his back to him to pull it out and check whose text was it. It was probably Rachel anyway.

Or Caleb.

Or his mama telling him that he’d forgotten something in San Diego.

Or Mariana sending him some of her selfies.

_[17:50] Connor: Hey, Jude… I forgot you have class now. But, um, just so you know… I’m in front of your apartment door._

Connor. _Connor._

_Your apartment._

What was he doing there?

He waited for the last ten minutes to pass, then rushed out the classroom when the lesson was finally over.

He didn’t see the boy standing just outside the door until he was pushed against the wall by him. His eyes met a pair of blue ones, circled by shadows and almost hidden by the glasses. And even if they were filled with tears, there was a lot of anger in them, and Jude noticed that the grip was really strong.

-You should have stayed in that fucking hotel- said Kyleer, his voice broken and low. –You ruined everything.-

And with that, he let him go and walked away from him, leaving Jude trying to calm down and breathe correctly.

What the hell was that?

\- - - - - - -

Connor really was in front of the door, seated on the floor  between his suitcase and the cage where Kissa, his cat, was lying. Jude didn’t have the time to ask him why he’d brought them too, because Connor hugged him and buried his face into his shoulder, sobbing.

When the brunet responded, he felt the other’s body shaking.

-Hey…- Jude whispered, rubbing his back with an hand. –Hey, what happened?-

He had an idea. But he wanted they boy to tell him, he couldn’t just say: “I ran into your boyfriend and he said some things that weren’t exactly gentle. Did you guys break up or something?”

Connor sniffed and took his time to calm down, then pulled away to look at Jude who was smiling softly, still trying to reassure him.

-I-I broke up with Kyleer. H-He…-  he bit his bottom lip. –Do you still have a room for me?-

The brunet’s expression softened even more, if possible. He opened the door and helped Connor bringing his stuff inside. –It’s your apartment. You rented it. You don’t have to ask me for permission to have it back.-

The boy just nodded and hugged him again, before setting Kissa free and taking his suitcase to his bedroom.

They spent the next two hours unpacking in complete silence. Jude didn’t want to push him, so he waited for his friend to start talking and explaining.

He did when they were finally done, and were sitting on the couch watching TV.

-I wasn’t happy- he said, suddenly, eyes on his lap. –I tried. I thought I could fix him, you know? But he never listened to me.-

-What happened?-

-I found him cutting himself again. I don’t even know why. He said he felt safe with me and that he didn’t need to do that anymore, but there were always new cuts on his arms. He was always lying to me. I just… couldn’t stand it anymore. I didn’t even love him.-

Jude looked at him and put an arm on his shoulders to pull him closer.

-I’m just angry at myself because I needed to do this months ago…- the boy continued and then placed his head on Jude’s shoulder, without meeting his gaze.  

-You just did what you thought was right, Con. Don’t blame yourself.-

Connor finally looked up at him, with a soft smile. –Thanks.-

And when he gave him a little peck on his cheek, Jude tried really hard not to blush or jump in surprise.

They stayed like that for a while, until Connor fell asleep on him and the brunet decided it was time to go to bed. So he shook him gently and helped him reach his bedroom.

He was about to leave, when the boy grabbed his arm: -Would you…- he started carefully, biting his lip and looking at him with pleading eyes. –Would you stay here with me?-

Jude knew it was a bad idea.

But the selfish part of him was telling him to accept.

And for once he let it win.

He nodded and lay on the bed next to him, covering the both of them with the blankets before staring at the boy in front of him.

That eye contact sent the familiar electricity all over his body.

-I missed you…-  he whispered.

-Me too- was the response.

And they both fell asleep.

\- - - - - - -

Jude was alone when he woke up.

It took him a while to remember why he was sleeping in Connor’s bed, and when he did he felt himself blushing.

He was hoping nothing had happened during the night, like some kind of involuntary cuddling or whatever.

He rubbed his eyes and stood up, walking then towards the kitchen to have breakfast.

Though he stopped, seeing Connor standing in front of a shelf looking at a picture.

Jude recognized it immediately: it was the one portraying they boy with his dad in Rome.

-I never forget.- Connor said, making him jump.

-Forget what?-

Thy blond turned to see him, and Jude approached him because he couldn’t bear the distance between them. It was like he needed to breathe Connor’s same air to live.

-I never forget my promises…-

Jude frowned.

-I told you I would have taken you to Italy, remember?- 

_Oh, right… that._

-Um, I thought it didn’t matter anymore. I mean… after everything that’s happened- he said, dropping his gaze until he felt Connor’s hands on his cheeks.

He knew e was blushing because they were suddenly hot.

-You do matter, Jude. You always did…- he sighed. –Look, I know you’re not mad at me. But I still feel like I have to apologize. For what I did to you…

I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you again years ago. I’m sorry I left you like that and then for being such a jerk, because you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry for making you suffer. For being jealous without a motivation, because you had the right to move on. And then again for coming back like this.-

Jude’s mouth was opened with surprise: -You were jealous?- But Connor stopped him.

-I’m sorry for almost kissing you and then going with another guy. But most important, I’m sorry I lied to you. When I said I wanted you to move on and that I had no feelings for you, because it wasn’t true. And yes, I was jealous. I don’t want you to be with anyone who’s not me.-

They were impossibly close now.

When did Jude take a step forward? Or was it Connor?

 He didn’t even realize he’d put his hands on the boy’s hips.

His eyes were lost in Connor’s, still trying to process the things he’d just said.

He couldn’t believe it was actually happening.

-And I was waiting for you all along…- it came out as a whisper, and probably sounded pathetic, but Connor smiled so widely that Jude almost melted.

And then a pair of soft lips were on his, and it felt like something exploded in Jude’s chest. It felt right, not forced like the first one they’d shared. Their lips moved against each other at a slow pace,  their hands trying to touch everything they could. Jude wished it would have never stopped, because kissing Connor was one of the best thing he’d ever done. And he was afraid that he would have disappeared if he’d opened his eyes and pulled away.

But when the blond did to catch a breath,  and Jude looked at him, he was still there. As handsome as ever.

And he was finally his.

-Wow…- he said, grinning.

Connor’s hand went to caress his cheek. –Yeah...-  

Jude swore he was in heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES, I'M BACK.  
> School's finally over so I'm yours for two weeks. Except for the next few days because, you know, it's Christmas.   
> Anyway, let me know what you think about this chapter.  
> I wish you a meeerry merry Christmas, and, since I'm curious (curiosity killed the cat, but whatever), how will you spend your holydays?  
> And I also have to ask you another question, it's a matter of life and death: the promo's finally been released. What do you think about it? I freaked out.  
> I mean, Connor and Jude crying? It's too much.


	10. Chapter 10

RACHEL POV

 

She pressed the call button for the tenth time that morning, but like the others it went to voicemail after a minute.

With a frustrated sound, she tossed the phone on the couch and went to the kitchen, were her brother was making breakfast.

-I’m gonna kill him.- Rachel said, crashing on a chair and ignoring the chuckle behind her back.

-Still doesn’t answer?-

-No. What if something happened to him?-

Caleb sat beside her handing her a cup of coffee and a plate full of pancakes: -I’m sure he’s fine. I mean, we’re talking about Jude, right?-

He got a raised eyebrow in response. –You do realize what you just said, don’t you? The guy’s been depressed for three months, he’s definitely not okay.-

-He’s old enough to take care of himself-

-We were supposed to meet after school yesterday, but he didn’t show up.- she watched her food like it was somehow poisoned: how could she eat when there was a high possibility that her best friend was in danger. Maybe some guy had kidnapped him.

-You want to go check his apartment before school?- Caleb asked, his mouth full. Gross, she thought, he never learns.

-No, we have class together today. If he’s not there, then we can go check it out. But if he’s not at his apartment either, I’m gonna call the police, hire some hunting dog and a private detective or whatever. And if we find him _alive_ , I will kill him myself!-

 

\- - - - - - - -

 

Turned out that she didn’t have to hire nobody, because Jude showed up in class and sat next to her, with a small grin on his face. That fucker.

-Hey- he said looking at her, apparently not noticing her fuming.

-Hey?- she almost yelled, but stopped herself because the teacher had just entered the room. –Hey?! That’s all you’re gonna say to me?-

He blinked a few times: -I’m sorry, I don’t understand…-

-I waited for you for two hours yesterday, and you didn’t answer my calls! I thought you were bloody dead or something, you idiot!-

Realization struck him like a lightning then, and he slapped himself on the forehead when he remembered their plans for the previous evening. –Oh… shit. I’m sorry! Something came up and I totally forgot about that.-

-You better be sorry- she hissed. –What about the calls?-

-I left my phone at my place… I didn’t hear it buzzing because it’s probably in my bedroom.-

Narrowing her eyes, she watched him biting his bottom lip and saw pure regret on his face, so she pointed her finger to him. –Don’t you ever do it again, you hear me? Never. I was worried sick.-

He quickly nodded, and Rachel finally let out a sigh of relief she didn’t know she was holding: -What happened, anyway?-

And there she was again, still a bit angry but her normal soft smile was back on her lips.

Though she might’ve said it a bit too louder than she wanted, because the teacher suddenly stopped talking and glared at the two of them: -Adams Foster and Davies, if you got something more important to talk about, you’re free to leave my class.-

It was not a kind invitation.

-Sorry, Mr Jankins.- Jude said, and when the man turned his back to them he whispered: -Not now. I will explain at lunch.-

Rachel frowned, but didn’t complain.

-Can Caleb come too?-

He nodded and dropped the conversation, leaving her to the boring geography lesson.

 

 - - - - - - - - - -

 

-Looks like you didn’t have to call the police.- Caleb commented when she approached him in front of his art class, so they could walk together to Barry’s to have lunch with Jude. –You didn’t call me, so I guess he showed up-

-He better have a good reason for ditching me, this time.- she snorted.

-He didn’t tell you?- she shook her head. –Why?-

Rachel shrugged: -He said he would have explained at lunch.-

They got to the local, which was as usual full of people, and approached their table where Jude was waiting for them. But he was not alone: he was laughing at something the boy in front of him had said, and had a smile so wide drawn on his face that the girl could almost count his teeth.

She swore she’d never seen Jude so happy.

But what startled her, was the guy who he was talking to.

-What the hell is he doing here?- she asked with an harsh tone, watching Connor with an annoyed look.

The blond opened his mouth to answer but Jude spoke for him: -It’s fine. We’re okay. We made up.- he glanced at the boy who was currently biting his lip, refusing to meet their gazes.

-Can you sit? Please?- The brunet asked patting the spots beside him, and Racheld did because, even if she was angry at the boy sitting in front of her, curiosity won.

-So?- Caleb asked.

She was not surprised to hear his voice crack, after all she knew that her brother still had feelings for Jude.

-So what?-

-Would you tell us what’s going on?-

-I just did. We made up.-

-That’s it?-

-Yeah-

-No, no, no. Wait- she said, still glaring at the blond. –Let me get this straight. Two weeks ago you were crying over him, and then you just make up? Like this? Are you idiot, or are you just too in love to see what an asshole he is?-

Connor flinched at that and looked up to meet Jude’s gaze, but he was too busy watching the girl in shock. –He apologized…-

-So what? You think an apology can make it up? Jesus, grow up- she pointed at the boy. –He made you suffer, he better have a good excuse to that.-

-He does! He told me everything, it’s fine!-

-It’s not…-

It was just a whisper, but everyone heard it.

-What do you mean?- Jude asked Connor, frowning.

The boy shifted in his spot, still avoiding their gaze: -Rachel is right, you’re not supposed to trust me after what I did to you. Even if you forgave me. But I swear…-  he finally looked at the girl, whose eyebrows were furrowed. –I never meant to hurt him, not once. I’ve realized how much of a shithead I’ve been.-.

Rachel was stunned to hear how sorry Connor was, but she still didn’t trust him, not even when he told them everything about Kyleer.

He would have had to show her that he was worth it.

-I… um, can I go to the restroom without you guys killing him?- Jude asked when he was done, and then he was gone leaving them alone with an uncomfortable Connor.

-So you’re a thing now?- Caleb said, calmly.

Connor bit his lip again: -We’re taking it slow. Is this the part when you tell me that if I make him suffer again, you’ll murder me? Because I’m pretty sure I don’t need it.-

-Basically, but before we’ll torture you.- Rachel tried to put some sarcasm in her voice, but she was dead serious. And Connor must’ve noticed it, because he gulped: -O-Okay…-

When Jude came back, they were all silent again. Fortunately, she’d stopped glaring and the atmosphere was a bit more comfortable than a few minutes before.

-Let’s go somewhere else, I’m bored- she said then, looking at her brother.

-We have school- he replied.

-Exactly-

-I’m not ditching!-

-Yes you are, come on…- she glanced at Jude with a smirk. –We can all go, I have a cool place to show you.-

Caleb shook his head. -Rachel Hope Davies, you’re not gonna make me ditch school with you again.-

-Oh, come ooon. Please?-

-No, don’t you dare use your puppy eyes on me-

They both ignored the chuckles coming from the others two.

-I’m begging you, bro…-

She knelt in front of him, placing her chin on his knees and looking at him with pleading eyes.

He rolled his in response.

-You have such a bad influence on me, sis.-

She grinned and got up, clearly satisfied. –Shut up, you love me.-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know where this comes from.  
> I had this idea of a chapter from Rachel's point of view and it kind of happened.   
> It's a short update, but I swear... world must be against me. I have no time to write or do whatever I want.   
> Sorry if it's not as good as the others cwc


	11. Chapter 11

Jude’s POV

 

And so, later, they were all inside Caleb’s jeep, with Rachel driving, headed towards the unknown. It’s not that he didn’t trust his friend, he even liked the places she used to show him, but he was a little suspicious after the recent fight. They didn’t want to murder Connor and then hide his body, right? Okay, maybe he was wandering too much.

He glanced at the boy beside him, who was watching outside the window, frowning and probably trying to understand where they were going.

He reached out to take his hand, and squeezed it, smiling as soon as he turned to look back, maybe to reassure him, maybe because he still couldn’t believe he was back in his life.

 

_-Wow...-_

_-Yeah, I know.-_

_Jude leaned in to brush their lips together again, as if to make sure he was really there and he hadn’t imagined it. Or because now that he could do that, he didn’t want to stop. He realized how much easier it would have been if he’d had the courage tell him how he felt before Kyleer ruined everything; if instead of letting him answer the phone that day after school, he’d closed the gap between them; if he’d talked to him years before or accepted Daria’s invitations._

_Because, let’s be honest, this would have happened anyway.  Some things are just meant to be, sooner or later. So why did he doubt it? Why had he been so afraid of making the first step?_

_Maybe he was never sure of anything because of his past, he was always questioning things. The same questions that were currently filling his mind._

_-What are you thinking?- Connor asked him bringing him back to reality, and he realized that he was frowning._

_-What are we now?- he took a step back to look at him right in the eyes._

_-What do you mean?-_

_-I mean...- he bit his lip. –All of this, does it mean we’re together?-_

_He hadn’t had a lot of relationships, especially not memorable. He always ended up breaking up because he couldn’t dive completely into them, despite nothing was wrong with the guys: they treated him well, they loved him, they were good people… the problem was him. Every time they were about to say “I love you”, Jude knew it was the time to stop. Because he was sure he would have never been able to say it back._

_Just like with Caleb, although this time they both knew why._

_-Do you want to?-_ _Connor asked softly. –Do you want to be my boyfriend?-_

_He looked at him as if the answer of that question was obvious, which wasn’t exactly incorrect. –Of course, Con.-_

_-Okay… good.-_

_-But?- he knew that there was a “but”. He saw it in his eyes._

_-But I want to take it slow. I don’t trust myself and I don’t want to hurt you again.-_

_-Okay-_

_-Are you sure?- his expression turned to doubtful._

_Jude sighed._ _Maybe he was a little obsessed with Connor, but he wasn’t dumb. He understood when the line was being crossed and, even if he’d tried to hide it, he couldn’t deny the pain he’d felt because of him anymore._ _He’d forgave him? Yes. He wanted to be with him?_ _Yes. But there still was that voice in his head telling him not to trust him too much, after all he didn’t even know him that well. – I’m sure, I get it._ _We’ll see how it goes…-_

_Connor nodded, visibly relieved. And that argument was dropped when they both realized they were running late for school._

-You okay?- he murmured, not the let the others two hear. He knew that even if they were trying to tolerate him, they were still mad at Connor, who nodded in response with a smile.

At that moment the car stopped. They were in the middle of a silent and a bit dark wood. Jude couldn’t help asking, as soon as they got out: -It this the part when you sacrifice us to the Slenderman and then run away?-

-Jude, no!- he turned to see Connor, who was pointing a finger to him and had a serious expression that almost scared him. He was even pale. –Don’t name that thing, not here, not now, not ever.-

The brunet couldn’t prevent a chuckle that infected the others too: -Don’t tell me it still frightens you.-

-I still have nightmares about that game!-

The three of them were now laughing so hard they were almost crying. Connor liked zombie games, but he couldn’t stand Slanderman.

-If you’re afraid of him, you should play Outlast- Rachel said.

-Are you serious, sis?- Caleb replied, slightly offended. –Alien is better-

-Sorry, you’re right.-

-We could all play it at our place sometime.-

Jude shrugged: -It’s not a bad idea.-

But Connor was not really convinced. –I feel like… if I accept I will regret it for the rest of my life. It feels like some kind of revenge.-

-Well, you could always count on your knight in shining armor- the girl nodded towards Jude, with a wink. Then started walking again and the others followed. The brunet’s hand casually slid into the blond’s while the two of them stayed a few feet away from the siblings, to have some space.

They arrived at the place after a little while: the trees became less frequent and a little high ground appeared, and from that they could see the city below. It was quiet and the view was astonishing. –Woah, how did you find this?- Jude asked, sitting on the grass.

-Slanderman told me- she glanced at Connor with a smirk, who groaned in response.

-Can you please stop!?-

-Slanderman doesn’t talk, Rachel.-

-I know, I just wanted to have some fun.-

The blond snorted and sat next to him, while the others walked away from them, probably to leave them alone.

-They’re not really fond of me…- Connor commented in a whisper, even if he didn’t seem surprised. On the contrary, he probably felt bad for that.

Jude put an arm on his shoulders to pull him closer and gave him a peck on his cheek: -They’ll get over it, you’ll see. They just have to get to know you.-

-You too.-

-Yeah.-

-So, do you want to go on a date with me?-

Jude blinked a few times, not sure if he heard well: -I thought you wanted to take it slow.-

-No, I know. It’s just... I thought that it would have been perfect to get to know each other, talk, prove you that I’m not that bad… and after all, if you think about it, we’ve already been on a date. When we met. Not that it was planned or something, but it felt like that and… and… we did what couples usually do, you know? So I thought that you wouldn’t mind trying again…-

-Connor- Jude interrupted him, smiling. –I was going to say yes even without all of that.-

It was his turn to blink then. –Oh… so, you’re down with that?-   

The brunet leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lips: -Totally down, Con. I’d love to go on a date with you.-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate this chapter. I hate it so much.   
> I'm so sorry, I spent a week trying to write it. I knew what I wanted to tell, but just couldn't write it down...  
> I feel so bad about it c.c


	12. Not an update

Guys, I'm sorry.   
I think I'm going to take a break from this fic, because I can't seem to focus on it. I know what to write but I can't find the words to do that, and you can see it in the last chapter.   
Moreover, school's starting tomorrow, so I don't think I'll have a lot of time to write.   
I'll post some one shots every now and then, actually I have an idea for one of them. If I'm lucky, I'll post it today.   
I'll be back with this fic as soon as the inspiration comes back, because I really don't want to ruin it.   
Sorry again, I hope you will wait for me.


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